How my depersonalisation began.

Depersonalisation is as scary as the name of it suggests. To not be ones self anymore is worse than any illness, you could imagine, or at least that is the feeling it gives at the time. My depersonalisation occurred after i convinced myself i was dying. I began getting mild pains in my chest made worse by the fact i would go to the gym and work my ass off with this pain that started under my left armpit, now i realise i had pulled a muscle. I was reluctant to go to the doctors because i believed they would tell me i had some life threatening illness or heart disease because i never went to the doctors i was convinced all these problems had built up. I would lie at night clutching my chest believing i might not wake in the morning, and with this stress i slowly began to break down. I panicked constantly until i burst out crying and had to tell my boyfriend as soon as i said the words to him i knew that my anxiety had got the better of me and that i wasn't dying. I said " My chest hurts and i can't stop feeling anxious" he hugged me and i cried. What didn't help was the fact that I was unemployed at the time living in limbo between my own house and my boyfriends with no real sence of location i would wake in the morning only to go back home and do nothing but worry about my chest problems. Finally i spoke to my Friend as i really couldn't take it anymore and i thought i need to get to a doctors soon before i die, she took me to a walk in centre where i broke down in front of the nurse, and she asked me "why are you crying?" some what ridiculously i replied "because i think i am going to die" I then laughed and said "sounds silly doesn't it ". She asked me a few questions and then said "well let me tell you now your not going to die" she checked over my chest said it was likely a trapped nerve and take ibuprofen. I left but i was shocked to see that the feeling of relief i had expected was not there. My Friend asked me how it was and i said she said there is nothing wrong with me, of course my dominant mind told me she must be wrong , i didn't explain my self right she didn't hear all the symptoms. And no relief was given, i just felt slightly better.

However, a new sensation began to doom my days, I now woke every day feeling fear full only to scamper on through the day feeling worse, looking up my illness , but i felt odd, like i was in a haze everything i was doing i wasn't really doing, now i felt like i was sitting behind my own eyes watching someone else do things. I looked at my friends and felt nothing, i was scared to do anything and i didn't know why. I wouldn't play the keyboard because thinking about it made me worry. I was looking about but not seeing i was hearing but not listening i was becoming forgetful confused and thinking to deeply about being human. I thought i was depressed. All the things i once looked forward to were gone because i believed everything was pointless and everything was odd. I could get on the bus I'd got on a million times before but it didn't register, i sat there and thought where am I ? I know I'm here but none of it is registering. I woke up one morning with such dread, i couldn't do anything but fidget and try and work out why i felt the way i did. I turned to my boyfriend and said " can you rub my back I just feel so anxious" only It wasn't anxiety now it was something else i thought i was going mad, i was so forgetful and out of it, and i couldn't do anything to ease it.

I said to him i just felt numb no sense of happiness or excitement or interest. He as he always does stayed calm and explained to me what he thought it was, i said to him " I just want to be my old self again." and cried.Even around my whole family who i love i felt nothing i was looking at them all trying to get some sort of response of emotion but it wasn't there, I could over ride it temporarily but the thoughts wouldn't go away it was the thoughts that got me. So intrusive and frightening i was overwhelmed by it all. Everything was weird my arm felt like it was mine, my hands were over sized i was walking and feeling like i wasn't in control of my legs. I was so detached from the world.
I finally looked up how i was feeling but wasn't sure what to look it up as. So i typed feeling outside yourself into Google and i found it, everything i felt was there it was called depersonalisation.